a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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