Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
