Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
