Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
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