New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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