His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
