Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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