I'm pants shitting drunk right now
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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