I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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