3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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