I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
