I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
