for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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