im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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