You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
