Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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