the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
