The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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