oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
