Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Randomize
