i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
