I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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