I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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