I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
