wat bout pragnant strippers??
wakey wakey hands off snakey
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
