He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
