tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
