on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
