So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
