Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
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