I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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