She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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