She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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