omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
