i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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