6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
