Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I want to fling myself into the sun
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
