I wish I could punch you in the face.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
