the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
