just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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