hell yes lets make some ravioli
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Randomize
