How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
