pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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