Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
