I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
its liver damage thursday
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
