I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
