I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
