maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
