Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
