so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
