Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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