you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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