Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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